1. |
Begin To Begin (Live)
04:59
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the places that I’ve been and may never see again:
I won’t say haunted, but I get visited
It follows me around, wherever I go
So all things being equal, lately I just stay at home
and listen to the refrigerator hum
and quietly hum along
and wait for it to come
begin to begin to begin to begin
I swear, dog knows it first-- I can see it in her eyes
when she seeks me out, checks in, curls up and and resigns
It’s like she heard music from the other room
that she recognized--
some theme song from a rerun on the air all the time
She don’t like it, she don’t hate it, she just knows that it’s on
and that means there won’t be conversation until the show is done
that’s when I zone out and disappear and it has begun
my darkness comes in darkness and it stays til it is done
begin to begin to begin to begin
blinding light
trip and fall
I’m a bat trapped in the house
clicking for the walls
cause I don’t cry out no more--
I just tiptoe down the hall
baby, keep on sleeping
I get out the house and it’s just before last call
caramel brown bottles, Packers shit is on the wall
suck it down, check the clock, beg another round
bartender says, “your idea of fun always feels like a breakdown”
text my therapist two four six am
“hey it’s chris it’s been a while it’s happening again
I’ll take the first hour you can get me in”
begin to begin to begin to begin
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2. |
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I am red in tooth and claw
God's favorite child's been bloodied from the brawl
and this bitterness was killing me all along
I am not waiting anymore
I've been blowing through time like nickel slots
in a windowless room on a credit card
Flash it like a semaphore - a vague drafty metaphor -
I am not waiting anymore
I've been a doe-eyed observer
of movements of concentric parts
of bodies of bones and breasts,
and unmapped chambers of hearts
Sand in hand has been turned to glass
like a Jeroboam filled with a life that's passed
Toss it off the balcony and listen for the crash
I am not waiting anymore
I spent eight long years, mucking up my screenplay
it's a teen movie with young actresses
that plays to the middle-aged
I have read between the lines,
I have been wrong every time
I'm burning on the altar, and I feel fine
I am not waiting anymore
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3. |
Decision Day (Live)
04:16
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now the morning was gilded around the edges
with the shavings from bones
that were pressed and glued against the corners
and carved like soapstone
it was gloriously grey-
the sun a radiant underlay
fighting, fading, winning, waning
purring behind milk and cloud and snow
now the blinds are up a foot from the bottom
i make out outlines of ankles, legs and asses
and a fresh set sends blood to my ears
as the memories flood the levy of my boredom
and the final sinewy strand has been cut clean through-
there is a pop, a crack, and a thud
and you are free and I am free now
to extricate ourselves from the mud
so you practiced your name
in the margins of pages
of a hundred thousand rough drafts
i heard they roughed you up pretty bad
you got to climb up the mountaintop and scream out loud
and chip your teeth on a bottletop and do me proud
when I held your hands in my bloodfree hands
i swear they were the cleanest ones in town
take your time and let the tide pull you out to sea
take your time and let the tide pull you away from me
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4. |
A River's Love (Live)
04:54
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we parked by the reservoir
a little drunk comparing scars
and the volume of a river’s love
broke the barrier into the car
it pushes through
hear it off the service road
getting louder deeper we go
now through the trees, sucking smoke
and the heavy smell of creosote
it pushes through
pulling me in
pulling me closer to you
I’ve been fighting it
like a martyr waiving off a rescue
search the shore for wood and clay
dam it, block it, try to tame
you were laughing at my vein array
a river’s love will find a way
it pushes through
shaking like the witness stand
you said “take your shame and rip it up”
I wasn’t ready for your hand
startled by a river’s love
it pushes through
pulling me
pulling me closer to you
I’ve been fighting it
like a martyr waiving off a rescue
promenade, push and shove
scraping knuckles, handful of love
settle on my like a dove
I can't stop the river's love
it pushes through
fumbling and falling down
overwhelmed around above
can’t you see I’m gonna drown
drowning in a river’s love
it pushes through
pulling me in
pulling me closer to you
I’ve been fighting it
like a martyr waving off a rescue
pulling me in
pulling me closer to you
I’ve been fighting it
…
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5. |
Evergreen (Live)
02:45
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We did a lot in the name of preservation
holding hearts in hooks for hands after the accident
metal on skin, cool to the touch in the absence
phantom sinews flashing undetected dots and dashes
I wasn’t sure if you were ready to be bold
You regrow your hair and I will cut mine
closecropped to the skull
we’ll keep the ones turned grey
by the blindwhite blast of a bitter cold
as a badge to a bad winter
of a long year that really took hold
had to cut away the parts the claws would not release,
then we kept going
you and me, we are not evergreen
you and me, we were not built to be
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6. |
(Good Shoes)
01:57
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7. |
Every Time (Live)
04:22
|
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The sunset seemed excessive two hours out of town
The great expanse of freedom bound our wrists by all accounts
Who was walking on the wire and who was on the ground?
We were watching one another, gasping out loud
Moving air as the tightrope trembled like a tumbler topped off for a toast
So full you can’t move it anywhere
Every time
Last night I had a dream: there was tartar on your teeth
And you had me gently, with a knife, loosening it free
And then spread it all around like sunscreen at the beach
We were laying there for hours, your head resting on my knee
While the late-season ice was sneering from the shade
I’m gonna keep you under glass and key trapped in amber memory
A secret anniversary of a first day
Every time
There is someone where I go now who reminds me of how you looked
That morning in the sunlight when I saw how you looked under glass
How many first days do we have the nerve to wait for?
I see you every time I go
Every time I think of home
Every time I feel alone
Every time I feel my phone
Every time my cover’s blown
Every time a plane flies low
Every time I think of home
Every time I feel alone
Every time a plane flies low
Every time my cover’s blown
I see you every time
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8. |
Summertime (Live)
02:25
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she said
“Why don’t you try summertime songs?”
Gold and warm, soft like the setting sun
not hot and sharp like a hornet swarm or the
warning blast from a tornado horn
or june bugs hissing July in half,
“I love you in the low ebb baby, but let’s dance.”
“I don’t know.”
You didn’t have to stop babe but I could never hang
the good days come in waves: they crest and crash
See I’ve been running hot babe, somethings gonna give
I’ve been sleeping not babe, dreaming about the kid
I’ve been hearing shots babe I know they’re in my head
I’ve been feeling ghosts babe moving in the wind
and if I should disappear sometime before this child is born
well, what is recovery really but cover up your tracks again?
In the neighbor’s window across the street
you can see the tv through the fitted red sheet
and the other night I heard them screaming
I turned off our lights and called the police
and hid on the corner of the front porch waiting
and, as quiet as a gas leak, I slowed my breathing
singing summertime songs
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9. |
Fergus Falls (Live)
04:26
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This is the one in which I miraculously pulled out
of a freefall dive over Fergus Falls, Minnesota
This is the one like ten years ago I told you about
where my wings iced up in the fall as it gets colder
I was concealing his kid
under his crewneck stateschool sweatshirt
while he grinned off in the distance
behind prescription shades
they were blocking out the clouded out sun
while he was hoping against a daughter
and no one saw my banners,
my bruises, my flares, my flags.
I could have been an artist if I had the tools
I could have been a preacher if I suffered fools
When I move into the city
I know I will have to pay my dues
and my respects to his sister and his mother too
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10. |
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cold snapped like a coiled spring
you can feel the frost coming on
we are marigolden- dropping orange and umber,
just barely holding on
and now the downtown's dolled up with tinsel and angels
seasons sneak up like haircuts, teased apart and tangled
we were fraying for awhile, but we took it all down
like garland hanging off traffic signals
leave the lights on
cause it might be nighttime when i get there
but I'm on my way home
putting on old clothes in a new way
putting on a pose in a new stage
waking up everyday just a little bit changed
while it breaks over us like waves
long live beauty; short live pain
Lust for wander and hunger pangs
face your fear, not your shame:
it doesn't end, it just wears away
leave the lights on
cause it might be nighttime when i get there
but I'm on my way home
i’ve been clawing away at what's underneath:
closer than solid ground beneath your feet
closer, even now, than lips and teeth
closer now than out of reach
and the body remembers what the mind forgets:
archives every heartbreak, every cigarette
these reset bones? they might not hold
but they might yet
leave the lights on
cause it might be nighttime when i get there
but I'm on my way home
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11. |
Push Us Into Love (Live)
04:36
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I dreamed we were shoulder to shoulder in the backseat wearing puffy coats
being driven over a bridge to a funeral for one of our dream-friends’ folks
You kept leaning in to face me and you grabbed for my hand in your gloves
My heart begs to be light but my mind gets dark
Can’t push us into love
When we were living right off of the on ramp the highway would lull you to sleep
It started to feel like the ocean, brake light red tide pulled you to dreams
I just heard cars and waves crash in the break wall, sirens around and above
My heart begs to be light but my mind gets dark
Can’t push us into love
There’s a ribbon of white and a ribbon of red tying up the highway under helicopter prayers
My phone’s blowing up from a number I don’t know texting over and over “are you there?”
I’m guessing it’s you; I heard that you moved— your friends keep me filled in enough
My heart begs to be light but my mind gets dark
Can’t push us into love
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